Not Knowing Is Most Intimate
A Koan is a word, a phrase, a fragment of a song, or a little healing story that can be used as a meditation tool or point of concentration during Zazen (sitting) practice. Nyogen Roshi in his essay “Clarifying Koan Practice” describes a koan as “A koan is not a puzzle or conundrum. They aren’t to be reasoned with intellectually or used as a form of psychotherapy. A koan is to be experienced. They will aid you in producing a state of consciousness in which you have full awareness, and as you practice longer, that state will generalize into how you function moment after moment in any circumstance. You will function better, because you won’t be bogged down in the trivia of the egocentric mind. It’s a practice that you have to repeat over and over until you exist in a state of samadhi on a continuous basis. It is living, and it is real.”
To me, this Koan “Not Knowing is Most Intimate” is saying that, Intimacy has everything to do with embracing the mystery that is Life. How well do you embrace the unknown? How about ambiguity? Are you able to release control in the face of uncertainty and flow with what is presented in the moment? How good are you at “Being at one with the space where you stand”? When we are able to see ourselves at “one with all things”, then we can be truly “compassionate and responsive”. In a culture that puts so much emphasis on the “thinking mind” it is difficult to release the feeling that we need to “know”. We naturally look to “control”, to “understand”, to “help”, to “anticipate” …. And …. I believe we are missing the boat when we lead with this focus….
It is in the intimacy of “not knowing” that life reveals itself to us. Answers are uncovered without seeking…. Solutions discovered without asking. When we are able to surrender to the moment and trust the process we suddenly open ourselves to being surprised. It is in this magical space that healing spontaneously is possible.
As a massage therapist, I consider it an amazing honor to work with people the way I do. Together we share an incredibly unique experience of intimacy. As my client settles in to the safe space they feel themselves in, I can feel the busyness of their day being released as their nervous system begins to calm and the tension in their muscles begin to soften…. As relaxation deepens and they begin to really feel “held”, they are able to allow themselves to surrender on a deeper level. I can feel their mind relaxing too. As their mind releases “control”, their body tension completely melts away… and when their mind “re-engages”, a level of tension often “re-emerges”….. it’s a fascinating dance! And one that beautifully exemplifies the truth of this Koan. I actually am able to sense when my client “is busy thinking”! When the thinking mind is activated, there is an activation of tension in the body tissue and when they release that thinking, dropping instantly into feeling, the unwinding of tension that spontaneously occurs is remarkable! The other thing is….. the more I release all sense of “agenda” or “effort-ing” or “trying to change” or “fix” anything in their body, the more my client releases their sense of “wanting to help” or “anticipate” or “understand” …. It is in this beautiful space of mutually trusting and allowing, that the wisdom of the body is able to “come alive”. My intention is to be completely present and to “connect and listen” to what their body is allowing me to see and feel so that I am able to respond in a way that helps facilitate a new sensation of spaciousness and freedom as tension unwinds.
“Not knowing is most intimate “ is a Koan that has been keeping me company for the past many months. I love it because it reminds me to simply Let Go!…. To release…. To never mind the mental tendency I have to overthink everything …. I realize my desire “to know”, “to understand “, to need “an explanation” or to have it “all figured out” is really not that helpful after all:). I am reminded that being in the present moment is what is most intimate! Simply being with What Is…. without naming, judging, assuming, associating, or explaining…. Is the most real. The mind Is what can get us in trouble. We complicate things by over thinking. We second guess our selves. We become guarded. If we can become comfortable with surrendering and with accepting the unknown and embrace what is unfamiliar with a curiosity, we may be surprised at the joys and pleasures and real answers that life will reveal to us. By embracing “not knowing”, we become more open and receptive. We have beginners mind…. Anything is possible….
When you are working with a koan it may feel as though it is a “companion” you are hanging out with and it may inform you throughout your day. Koans can be portals through which a person is able to experience a deeper understanding of life…. Perhaps leading to a moment of enlightenment or awakening. Traditionally, teachers of Zen Buddhism will give a student a koan to work with until that student is able to demonstrate that he/she has come to a deeper understanding, at which point they will give that student a new koan. I have never directly worked with a teacher one on one, but for the past couple of years I have been exploring Koan Work within the “Blue Dragon Zen Community”, a zen meditation group that meets on Wednesday evenings via zoom. All are welcome at any time to join! If you are interested in the information, just let me know! We visit, we sit in meditation, and we enjoy conversation afterwards about the koan or whatever else is up for us.
Meditating regularly, as a daily practice, allows us to experience the freedom that comes when we release ourselves from the tension that our minds create on a regular basis. As our mind quiets, we are more in the direct experience of Being, of Feeling, of Sensing…. As we detach from the incessant thoughts that run our life, we are able to gain a more broadened perspective, be more present, and accept what is with more grace.
Our Mind wants us “to know”. Somehow this makes us feel safer, more secure. Having a plan to follow or a solution to work towards makes us feel like we are in control, that “we’ve got this”. It is true that the mind is an incredible tool, ……and, yet it creates and thrives within duality. Our minds are busy “figuring it all out” and trying to make sense of it all. We think putting our experience or situation in a little box and labeling it, will somehow make it easier to deal with. Sometimes we DO want “To Know” and this does help us to figure out what the next steps are! But, I guess I wonder if its not just an illusion that we’ve got it all figured out….. In actuality, “Our knowing” can limit our vision and make possibilities less available to us. When I am okay with “not knowing” I am open, ready, willing to learn, to be surprised. The more we release control, the more we are able to surrender to the process, and the more we are able to surrender, the more we are able to trust. As we learn to flow with uncertainty and embrace the reality that every moment is an opportunity to “awaken”, the more we will live in Joy. Surrendering allows us to be open, receptive and to live in “beginners mind”. Being present and staying humble allows us to share our wisdom and knowledge more effectively. The learning becomes a dynamic exchange, unaffected by ego, and therefore more intimate!
Intimacy…… “In To Me You See”….. is something that we all yearn for. We all want to be seen, felt, experienced , and appreciated for who we truly are. We want to see ourselves for who we truly are!
